Enough: my post covid world

 I think the idea has come up many times in my head these past several weeks... the idea of concept of being enough...

Let me tell you a few things about me... I have been working all of my life, and I have been fighting the good fight...

Literally, I have been working since I was 12... you see, there are a lot of priveledged people in the world, in my world anyways... and well I grew up never feeling like what I had or who I was, was really enough...

My mom had decided to home school me and my sister... But I was lonely, I craved interaction and friendship. I asked her to go to a regular school... she said yes! That was a blessing and a curse... I learned very quickly who I wasn’t... and this inner child pain has followed me my whole life... 

I was also bullied, that too has followed me my whole life... never feeling smart enough, rich enough, pretty enough... 

I hated my body up until I moved to New York in my early 20’s suddenly I realized I was fucking hot.. yeah... I said it! I was a hot number, and guys flocked from all over the place to give me their numbers... I had kinda forgotten about this fact, but I recently decided I wanted to revamp my artist website and logged into my old email from yesteryear...

WOW, half the messages are from dudes I met at bars, galleries, when I hosted an artist YT channel, pretty wild really... all that superficial attention sadly made me feel good. Cause I’d simply never felt wanted... even my first year of college... could never get the attention of the guys I wanted... 

But when I moved to New York it was whole other playing field... yeah I was on fire, I had gallery shows, I was hot beautiful, and I felt like I was accomplishing things...

Then I decided I was over it, I was over the hustle, I wanted a family all the stuff... all the simple life stuff... 

Who’d have known I would have a special needs child and a failed marriage and a failed career as a painter, wind up making 10.50 an hour cleaning baby diapers every hour on the hour with only a 15 cent raise after a year of kicking serious butt as an amazing Lead Toddler teacher.. I mean I was really awesome, but when they offered me a 15 cent raise after working tirelessly, devoted off time to come up with an incredible toddler curriculum and so much more, it was a genuine slap in the face... 

Especially with all the days I spent sick from people bringing their sick children to the daycare... I mean it was pretty awful, I was in and out of the ER regularly with upper respiratory complications and eventually after two rounds of Pneumonia I now have Asthma... 

I cannot tell you the mental struggles I have gone through since my marriage fell apart, but really before that too.. 

See when you have a numerological disorder, you simply don’t perceive things always as they are, that’s why it’s called a disorder... I have battled anxiety and depression most of my life... but the few things I have always known I am good at, is childcare, I know kids, and art, I can paint like a true genius... like if you put it on me I can paint it... I was actually an art prodigy as a child... yeah true story... 

I used to feel like I was on top of the world living in NYC cause when I lived there I felt like I was enough.. I felt like people respected me, I felt like I was actually kinda somebody... which is what I had always wanted... I did it, I lived the dream, I did all the stuff I wanted to do from the time I was in 4rth grade, and yeah I know that sounds nuts, but I legit have my 4rth grade journal stating that one day I wanted to live in NYC and be an artist and I did that... 

SO I know I am smart and I know I am capable, but so much has happened since then... some I have healed from and some I am still working on... 

But this week, I don’t feel like anything... I feel like a total loser in life... I feel like all the hard work, all the honest living, every kindness just didn’t matter, and I am back to square one in my life... 

I had finally found a great family to work for, people who truly 100% valued every shred of work I did, gave me amazing raises, and bonuses each year, and now because of my Post Covid reality all the stability I have worked so hard for is gone... All the hard work, pointless... cause I didn’t JUST care for kids, I did much much more, hard gross, grueling work... And I did it cause I got treated the right way... I’d not want to do that kind of work for anyone else, cause I know they wouldn’t appreciate it. But my boss always did, and I will severely miss that level of respect. Cause not all people are that way... many employers simply do not have that kind of goodness and kindness and understanding... I got lucky for a while. 

I mean I have my family, I have my house (for now) and so much to be grateful for, but here’s the thing, depression and anxiety, it doesn’t mean you don’t see that other people are struggling, it doesn’t mean you don’t see that other people have it worse, it doesn’t mean you lack gratitude for what you DO have... it simply means that sometimes you are tired of feeling like nothing... it simply means you are tired of having to start over again... you are tired of having to figure it out all over again... you are tired of making minimum wage at almost 40 years old... You are tired of wondering how you will do it all... 

I cannot work my old job anymore because my new job is being a full time mom to a child with ASD, ADHD, ODD, SPD, and many other things... Remote school was out only option this year, and as a result my job stability is no longer intact... 

My OLD life looked like this... I worked 25 hours a week... why? Well cause I made more working 25 hours a week, then hustling 40 hours at a thankless daycare... Because my dad got really sick and eventually died, and I didn’t have anyone to help me take my kid to his essential therapies anymore, so I needed to find something that worked with that. Most of my sons therapies I was able to schedule in the morning before I myself would go to work, so that is what I did... With the extra time I was able to do our grocery shopping, keeping my own home clean, manage my sons IEP stuff, look for resources for my son, and sometimes work on my art... Then last year I got shingles, I lost days and weeks of work.. it was so financially draining and emotionally as well... shortly after I started having other health problems which involved PT twice a week, which I also scheduled in the mornings before I would go to work... After work I would go pick up my son at his after school program, and get home, do home work with him, read with him, make dinner, get him bathed and ready for Bed only to do this all over again the next day... So I was a working mom who also did all the duties of a stay at home mom, without the luxury of being a stay at home mom...

Now because there is no school, and everything will be done at home, this is going to be my new life this semester... I will get up each day at around 6:30, make sure my son gets his meds so they kick in by 8 and he’s able to focus on an online platform... (I won’t even go into the nightmare of last semester, changes are NOT easy for ASD kids), I will need to sit with him the whole time and make sure he is able to stay on task, and understand the material being presented to him in what I guess is Zoom classes... for 4rth grade.. 

He is required to BE on this online platform from 8-12... after which I guess he will have lunch... and then “independent Learning” which if you have ever raised or do raise a kid on the spectrum with ADHD, or any other major behavior disabilities isn’t independent at all... 

On mondays we have a new ABA therapy with Marcus Autism Center, which is actually impeccable timing to help me manage any problem behavior they comes up in the remote learning process and is essential right now... that goes from 2-4 every Monday till they feel he is where he needs to be, the program can go from 8-15 weeks depending on progress... 

Then we have special ed services, speech which I have been told will be two days a week, scheduled during the “independent portion” of the day, which really just delays homework which will also need to be completed, and not to mention his Math tutoring which is currently 3 days a week at 4 PM... then I get to come back and make dinner, and do the whole bedtime routine... NOT A CLUE when I take care of myself or work you see... maybe I could squeeze in a work shift between 5-9 but wait, I have to get dinner on the table... Maybe my step daughter who is 13 could help? But nope not really an option there either cause she too will have homework and her school day for some awful reason beyond my comprehension is from 12-4? Who in the F thought that would be helpful to families is beyond me.. BUT whatever.. so My soon to be husband also cannot help, cause he’s now required to BE at his job... and cause of a variety of reasons I do not feel comfortable leaving my kids home alone... 

So where in the world do I find the time to commit to a job? This IS my job now... being this kids mom is my job, I just don’t get paid to do it.... So where does that leave me? Leave my family? Leave my sanity? I have zero skills to work from home, and an ancient computer... so now what? 

At 40 I am still NOT enough, because I don’t have what I need STILL in order to live comfortably... So what the fuck was it all for exactly? All the hard work? All the effort? What exactly was it worth if I still have nothing to lean on... Why did I even BOTHER going to college? I mean really... So yeah I get depressed... 

You’re supposed to go to college and get a job... and HAVE that job... but what happens when your job cannot be done online? And what if you realize you are worth more than 10 bucks an hour, and don’t feel like killing yourself for it? And have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, and cannot physically handle standing on your feet for hours on end, cause if you do the next day you can barely stand up...

I do a lot with the chronic pain that I have everyday of my life. In FACT I get up everyday, make good food for my family, do hard yard work, and even stay up most nights painting... hoping that by some grace of God I will actually sell the damn work to pay for some groceries... but it’s all at a cost.. today pain radiated down my arm most of the day... pain meds help slightly but this is my new normal, and I am tired of it... so yeah I am depressed as hell... I am tired, and the only reason I keep going right now is for my kid and my family... I guess I don’t feel like enough, because honestly I’ve just HAD enough... ENOUGH of a world that isn’t fair to the people who work just as hard as anyone else who is able to make a decent living... 

But no matter how many kids I cared for, toilets I cleaned, or floors I scrubbed it just wasn’t enough, and here I am still wondering how in the world I will make a living, and stay sane. 

My journey is to find peace, this week I tried so hard to find it in the little things... but it wasn’t enough, no matter what all good I saw in my week, I just couldn’t find my serenity. But I will keep trying I will keep fighting the good fight... cause I am not a depressed person, I just have depression which likes to knock me down during times of overwhelm and make me feel like I am just not enough...